I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Randomize
