and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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