She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
