The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
