You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
