porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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