R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
you made out with another girl for some wings
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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