I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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