can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I deserve this hangover.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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