I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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