weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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