Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
