does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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