i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
