Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
