Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
