Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
