Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
