R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
