Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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