if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
God I need to hump something, right now.
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