i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Randomize
