i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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