My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
