he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
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