Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
