R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
