the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
