My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He passed out mid-signature
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
