Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
