God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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