my vag is so smooth its legendary
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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