So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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