i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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