My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Randomize
