Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
