My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
