when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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