I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
That accounts for only three of the penises
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
