I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
