Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
