She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
