hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
