In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
