I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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