Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
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