I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
