My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
