i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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