The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Couch. On fire.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
