I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
The air taste purple.
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