Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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