I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
