Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
