i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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