I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
