Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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